Random Thoughts while Driving in Waco

By Jack Smith

Jack can be reached at jwsmith2@flash.net

In our upside down 2020, being positive is negative and being negative is positive.

As a justice of the peace, I set defendants’ bonds during the magistration process at the jail. The prisoner can then make a phone call to a relative or a bail bondsman (bondsperson). Recently a bail bondsman came to my office to get off of a bond that he had posted the day before. The defendant had put up a car for collateral for his bond. Turned out that the car was stolen. No one said criminals were smart.

One day recently I was watching the local news while eating lunch. I was slightly surprised that three different lawyers were advertising their success at winning nice awards for car wreck victims. Then I noticed that a couple of dentists were advertising their prowess. I wondered if lots of folks were needing dental work after their car wrecks.

It’s good that a lot of people speak foreign languages or those people wouldn’t have anyone to talk to.

Because of the coronavirus, the major league baseball bosses have ruled that there will be no more spitting in the big leagues. Sunflower seeds will also be banned, but I didn’t see anything about chewing tobacco or snuff. Maybe snuff had already been snuffed out. Can baseball players be trained not to spit? I guess if there are cardboard cutouts of fans in the stands, anything is possible.

Where did the term “snuffed out” come from? This usage alludes to snuff in the sense of “put out a candle by pinching the wick.” I guess we could be pinching out.

One of the hurricanes last month was named Isaias. I read that it is a Spanish word. An unpronounceable Spanish word. Phonetically it is pronounced ees-ah-EE-ahs. Some news folks picked it up quickly, some didn’t. I think I would have called it Isaiah and pretended that I knew better than the scientists who chose the name. It is predicted that there will be many hurricanes this year and that they may run out of names. I think they already have.

Maybe they bent over backward to add some diversity to the hurricane names. After all, diversity is in third place behind God and cleanliness. Anyway how does one bend over backward? I can’t. Of course it means to work very hard to accomplish something. I could never work hard enough to bend over backward. Where did the phrase come from? Gymnastics.

Things I might not have thought about if I didn’t browse the internet:

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm one is worse.

In RSVPing to a wedding invitation, the answer “Maybe next time” isn’t appropriate.

You shouldn’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

War doesn’t determine who is right, just who is left.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

And lastly, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

IF I WERE KING: The coronavirus would be snuffed out and baseball players could resume spitting.

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