The often-quoted opening line from Charles Dickens’ book “A Tale of Two Cities” is “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …” When history is written about The Year of Our Lord 2020, it will be said, “It was the worst of times.” Period. I’m not sure Our Lord would want to be associated with it.
I have had a very lucky life with very few bad times. Vietnam was a little off-putting, but nothing compared to this year. The pandemic has ruined just about everything, and on top of that, half of the people in our country have lost their minds. Tearing down statues of people that they should revere. Suggesting that statues and stained-glass windows featuring Jesus should be done away with. Baylor University and Rice University may have to change their names along with Yale. We may do away with master bedrooms and master chefs. And lastly, I may have to change my name. My middle name is Wilson. My maternal grandfather was J.M. Wilson, known as “Fessor” since he taught high school agriculture classes. But somewhere up the line there could have been a tie to Woodrow Wilson, who was an unpleasant and racist person. In the future, I’ll just be Jack W. Smith.
I thought that maybe to reduce COVID stress there could be a Miss COVID-19 Beauty Pageant. But beauty would be hard to judge with the contestants wearing masks.
The one positive about COVID-19 is that I look better with a mask on.
Someone said that there are two things that will indicate the likelihood of your getting the virus: 1) the density of population, and 2) the density of the population. If that is hard to understand, you might be too dense.
Can you have both mass gatherings and mask gatherings? Let’s hope so for the sake of college football, which if canceled will put a lot of people on suicide watch.
Cops these days will be like, “Come out with your hands washed!”
Of course the pandemic has ruined our economy. A friend said that he had wanted to be a Sugar Daddy, but now he was thinking about being a Splenda Daddy.
How bad is the economy? A friend got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO’s are playing miniature golf. A picture is now worth only 200 words. ExxonMobil laid off 25 congressmen.
A friend said if you get an email with the subject “Knock, Knock,” don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home
Someone said that since everything for the summer has been canceled, let’s just put up a Christmas tree and call it a year.
There was alleged to be a want ad that said, “Single man with toilet paper seeks single woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.”
There is a TV commercial for a heating pad that shows that it will stay in place even when you are attacked by a leaf blower in your living room. This is a problem of which I was unaware.
A friend said he was reading a book about antigravity. Said he just can’t put it down.
A psychiatrist’s secretary walked into his office and said, “There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he’s invisible.” The psychiatrist responded, “OK, tell him I can’t see him.”
Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
IF I WERE KING: The virus would be no match for the Texas heat. It would dry up and go away.