Did you hear about the 18-wheeler full of Vicks VapoRub that overturned on I-35? There was no congestion for eight hours.
As a justice of the peace, I do many weddings. It’s surprising how often when I say to John, “Repeat after me: I, John, take thee, Mary, to be my lawful wedded wife,” he will say, “I, John, take thee, Mary, to be my awful wedded wife.” I think I’m the only one who notices, and I don’t really think Mary will be awful.
A friend said he and his wife had words, but he didn’t get to use his.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one. By the way, I can’t spell synonym, but I don’t know another word for it.
If you Google “rotary phones,” you find a lot of companies selling them. I can’t imagine why. I remember using rotary phones very well. Bell Telephone Company introduced them to the general public in 1919, and they stayed in use until the touch-tone phones were introduced in the ’60s and took over in the ’70s and ’80s. I remember when dialing the rotary phone, you hated the 9s and 10s because they were so slow. In Marlin, our prefix was 93. Nine was a bad way to start a phone call. Now we don’t dial or push. We click on the person’s name, and it calls for us. It saves a lot of strain on our index finger, and we don’t have to remember anyone’s number.
Another blast from the past. I can’t remember the last time I waxed a car. When young, I waxed my cars frequently. They needed it. Now, I guess with new paint, we don’t ever have to wax them. Saves strain on our elbows.
A guy said he had a terrible day. First his ex was run over by a bus, and then he was fired from his job — as a bus driver.
If you are feeling a little depressed, remember that you’re not alone. Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
I see ads on TV for medicines for non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I wondered if there was plain old Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Yes, there is. They are similar. If a doctor is examining your cancer cells and finds an abnormal cell called a Reed-Sternberg cell, it is Hodgkin’s. If it’s not there, it is non-Hodgkin’s. Your medical class for the day. Wonder if Reed-Sternberg has a cell phone?
I noticed in a recent golf tournament in Austin that there were two players with unusual last names — Na and An. If they played together, it would be the first ever palindrome twosome.
The mom asked, “Freddie, do you think I’m a bad mom?” He said, “My name is George.”
Sign on a church marquee: “Adultery is a sin. You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.”
I heard about some high school boys who were spending the night together and decided to sneak out and go to a girls slumber party. They didn’t have a car, so they called Uber. Uber called the boy’s mom, the account holder, to let her know they were on their way. The boys were not and will be missing their phones while being grounded.
I notice TV ads where people are dipping a food item into some kind of sauce and making a terrible mess. There is a Red Lobster ad where somebody slam dunks a piece of lobster into a bowl of melted butter and splashes the butter everywhere. It’s gross.
Speaking of butter, have you noticed that the harder the butter, the softer the bread? Maybe room temperature butter is better butter.
IF I WERE KING: Bluebonnets would last for months.