Random Thoughts While Driving in Waco

By Jack Smith

Jack can be reached at jwsmith2@flash.net

A radio ad says that glass floor mats for your office can “change your life.” Well, maybe that’s the life secret I’ve been looking for. My plastic floor mat does get dirty. With a glass one, I could use Windex. Life-changing.

Remember, it’s better to be seen than viewed.

I had an issue with my iPhone and had to call AT&T to get it corrected. I talked to four different service people before the last one could figure out what to do to fix it. All four had very thick accents and probably were in an office building in beautiful downtown New Delhi. I think I was talking to Asian Telephone & Telegraph.

Speaking of AT&T, maybe it’s time they dropped “telegraph” from their name. It’s so 1800s.

I was in my local H-E-B and was thirsty. In the refrigerators near the checkout line, I noticed that a 20-ounce Coke was $1.87. I passed because I had just put a couple of two-liters (67 ounces) of Coke in my basket that cost $1.66 each. That refrigeration must really be expensive.

Several people tell me that I eat way too much salt and I should cut back. I don’t want to cut back. So, I have decided to eat more sugar. That should balance things out. And that’s my health tip for this month.

If you have two tutus, is that a fourfour?

There is a myth that says that we only use 10 percent of our brain. But scientists now say that we use 100 percent each day. That’s not good news for me. One hundred percent is not enough. I need more.

I lost my mood ring, and I don’t know how I feel about that.

Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners, but cats can.

I read an article about Dorothy Parker. She was a writer, poet, satirist and wiseacre in the early to mid-1900s. She’s been credited with several clever quotes including “Elephants and women never forget” and “The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” She also said, “I’m not a writer with a drinking problem, I’m a drinker with a writing problem.” She was a hoot.

Speaking of writing, I saw a job offer for someone to be a proofreader for a skywriter.

Who is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?

I read that witches in New York were having an occult ritual, a public event, to place a hex on Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. This was after his swearing-in. Maybe witches can do what Democrats couldn’t. It might have been worth the $10 admission fee to see the hexing. Is hexing a form of bullying and therefore unacceptable? Folks even made fun of Kavanaugh’s first name. Brett, they said, is too white and too frat-brotherish. Maybe his parents should be hexed.

If idiots had wings, Congress would be an airport.

Speaking of names, to be Frank, I’d have to change my name.

It’s funny how we get used to words or phrases in a traditional order. It always catches me off guard when someone says, “gentlemen and ladies” or “wife and husband.” I think we should always put ladies first, except when we don’t.

New puns for the month:
Becoming a vegan would be a missed steak.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

IF I WERE KING: It would be OK for “real men” to admit that they enjoy HGTV and “Antiques Roadshow.”

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