Random Thoughts while Driving in Waco

By Jack Smith

August 2016

I recently got a fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant that was negative — the fortune, not the restaurant. It said, “Your judgment is a little off at this time. Rely on friends.” This is not good news for a justice of the peace, who is also a judge, to have bad judgment. Maybe at the next trial I have, I’ll call a friend, just like on the old TV show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” Who wants to be a judge?

An AT&T ad says that they know more about “and” than anyone. What in the world does that mean? Bonnie AND Clyde. Sacco AND Vanzetti? American Telephone AND Telegraph? When was the last time you saw a telegraph? Never? Maybe they could be American Telephone AND Cable TV AND Wireless AND Frequently Increasing Prices. That would be three times as many “ands” they could know more about.

It seems odd to me that “going all in” and “going all out” are really the same thing. It’s also odd that “oversee” and “overlook” are opposites.

People just can’t leave well enough alone. I have already complained about flavored potato chips. If you want a ranch-flavored potato chip, dip a regular chip in ranch dressing. Are we too lazy to dip? Now I read that some genius has come up with garlic- or onion-infused charcoal briquettes. First of all, your neighborhood would smell like onions or garlic. What would a HOA (Home Owners Association) think of that? Is there a fine for stinking up the ’hood? Probably. Secondly, your hamburger patty would taste like an onion ring. Are we too lazy to season our meat? I need a safe space.

You can get a ticket for not coming to a complete stop. What’s the difference between a stop and a complete stop? I got a red light camera ticket in Frisco for not stopping or coming to a complete stop. I certainly didn’t remember it. On their website they had a video of me not stopping or completely stopping. Oops. I guess it could have been worse. I could have gotten two tickets.

A friend said that his wife had had successful eye surgery to remove cataracts on both eyes. He was sure that she would now be able to see that he had been right all the time. Well, not so much.

There’s not much progress in Venezuela. They have been out of toilet paper for months. Now due to a sugar shortage, Coke has stopped production there. Maybe if college kids were without toilet paper and Coca-Cola, they would be less enamored with socialism. Maybe.

It’s that time of year again when the most valuable parking spot is not the one closest to the store, but one in the shade. If I could just figure out how to throw shade.

I recently heard it said that someone should “cool their heels.” That is a great idea for August in Texas, but what does it mean? OK, I looked it up. It started back in the 16th century and referred to horses. After they had run a long race, they would stand in a stream to cool their heels (or hooves). Today it means that you have to unhappily wait on something. Like for instance, you can read the Wacoan while you are cooling your heels in the doctor’s office. Like a horse, if you are hot to trot, just cool your heels, dude.

Vicki can easily watch TV and play games on her phone at the same time. I can’t do it. I can’t keep up with two simultaneous inputs. I am truly a monotasker.

IF I WERE KING: Both charcoal and potato chips would be monotaskers.

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