Random Thoughts while Driving in Waco

By Jack Smith

I heard an old hippie say

that when he was young, he took drugs that could have killed him. Now he’s looking for drugs that can keep him alive.

Speaking of still being alive, how about these songs that might predict your future afterlife? There is a “Highway to Hell” but only a “Stairway to Heaven.” That may say a lot about the expected traffic flow.

In this day of political correctness, I would like to state clearly and for the record that I am neutral biotics. I am neither probiotics nor antibiotics. Can’t we all just get along? I’m not taking a side. I say let biotics be biotics.

Along the same lines, if I am not proactive, am I anti-active? Probably. I sometimes suffer from ergophobia.

And speaking of political correctness gone amok, there was the recent story of a 76-year-old college professor from King’s College London who was attending a professional convention in San Francisco. When asked on an elevator (or a lift in his hometown) what floor he was going to, he responded, “ladies lingerie.” This was said to be a joke although I can’t think of a joke with one adjective and one noun. Anyway an uptight lady professor who teaches gender studies at Merrimack College in Massachusetts was offended and reported him to the association. His career is now in jeopardy, especially since he refused to apologize. This could be the worst example of political correctness yet, but there is so much competition.

Anyway, it reminds me of why he said what he said. Back in the good ole days, Austin Avenue had two great department stores: Cox’s and Goldstein-Migel. I think it was Goldstein’s that had four floors and a mezzanine. There was a live elevator operator to take you to the correct floor.

He or she would stop the elevator, open the door and announce what floor you were on: “household goods,” “men’s clothing” or even “ladies lingerie.” It wasn’t a joke. It was an announcement to let you know when to get off. I’ll bet that the lady from Massachusetts never experienced that.

What does “gone amok” mean? It seems like it’s getting easier and easier to go there. Amok (can also be amuck) means “in a violent rage or uncontrolled manner.”

Have you noticed that when you dial a number (push a number) to a large company, the first recording that you hear says, “Please listen carefully to your options as our menu has changed”? Why is this necessary? Do they think that we memorized the options the last time we called?

Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

A friend says that he is going to open a new clothing store called Chasm. It would be like the Gap, but bigger.

Sometimes you hear that when driving, we should keep our hands on the steering wheel in the “10 and 2” positions, as on the face of a clock. Vicki keeps hers, I’ve noticed, at “11 and 3.” She’s always about an hour late.

OK, if you don’t want to look up “ergophobia,” it means an abnormal fear of hard work.

I heard about a guy who had a huge crush on his dental hygienist. He wanted to spend more time with her, so when he had a cleaning appointment, while in the waiting room he would eat a box of Oreos.

What if you had two egomaniacs debating? Say, President Trump and President Obama. Would that be “an I for an I”?

IF I WERE KING: Political correctness would stop running amok. At least it could try walking amok.

Join the Conversation