Random Thoughts while Driving in Waco

By Jack Smith

I saw a question on Facebook that asked,

“Is anyone really comfortable with pronouncing ‘Worcestershire’?” The answer, I think, is no. It can be “wooster” sauce or “woostershire” sauce or “wor-cester-shire” sauce. Vicki avoids the issue and just calls it Lea & Perrins.

A man arrested in Pennsylvania for DUI had an interesting mug shot. He was wearing a T-shirt that said “Drunk Lives Matter.” His blood alcohol level was two and a half times the legal limit. He should get a new shirt that says “Dumb Lives Matter.” He could wear it under his orange jumpsuit.

A smarter and more truthful driver said, “Yes, officer, I did see the speed limit sign; I just didn’t see you.”

Speaking of drinking, I’ve noticed lately that whenever characters on TV shows drink alcohol — which is often — they always drink straight shots or glasses directly from the bottle of booze. Don’t people do mixed drinks anymore?

Someone suggested that in the 2020 presidential election Minnesota Senator Al Franken could run with former Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein. It would be the Franken/Stein ticket. That really would be scary.

Remember, you can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If you heard the phrase Taco and Chidobe, you would probably think of a Mexican restaurant. You could order a taco with chidobe sauce. But in fact, Taco and Chidobe are the first names of the Dallas Cowboys’ first two draft picks this year.

I heard a comedian ask an unusual question: “How old do you have to be before you decide to hang plates on your wall?” A week or so after I heard that, I saw a grouping of plates arranged on our breakfast room table. I asked, and Vicki said she was thinking of hanging them on the wall. I now know the answer to the comedian’s question. But I won’t tell.

There are some games that you would choose to lose. Like musical electric chairs.

I was reading an article, and it said that someone was in his wheelhouse. I thought I knew what a wheelhouse was, but I looked it up anyway. A wheelhouse is the enclosed, often small, part of a boat, which holds the steering wheel. So “in someone’s wheelhouse” refers to something being within one’s areas of competency, like command of a ship is within a captain’s abilities. While a wheelhouse may be small, mine is almost empty. Not much in my wheelhouse.

But then again, I may be smarter than I think. A recent study said that people who talk to their dogs (or cats or hamsters) are showing signs of intelligence. A behavioral science professor at the University of Chicago, says that when we speak to our pets or assign them other humanlike characteristics, we are anthropomorphizing them, which he refers to as “a natural byproduct of the tendency that makes humans uniquely smart on this planet.” I talk to my bad-dog Parker a lot. He doesn’t think I’m smart. If he did, he might mind me. But it is a sign of intelligence that I can anthropomorphize something without even knowing what it means or how to spell it.

Another study said that running is so good for you that for every hour you run, you can add seven hours to your life. It said that walking fast didn’t count, just running, even if slowly. Let’s say that you run for three hours a week for 20 years. That would be 3,120 hours. Times seven would be 21,840 hours or 910 days — the equivalent of nearly two and a half years. That means you could stay in a nursing home for an extra 30 months. Hit the pavement, Bubba.

IF I WERE KING: Movies and television would stop glamorizing alcohol consumption. We could all drink to that.