Random Thoughts while Driving in Waco

By Jack Smith

I must admit that I have a drinking problem.

I am a Cokeaholic. I drink several Cokes a day. Recently I saw a scary news item on Facebook that showed how much sugar is in a Coke. It looked like a pound of sugar per can of Coke. Ordinarily that would give me pause, but years ago I discovered the perfect antidote for taking in too much sugar: I take in an equal amount of salt. They counteract each other, so I’m good. Scientists may not have discovered this yet. You’ll just have to trust me.

I’ve wondered why soft drinks are called soft drinks. Is there a hard drink? Yep, I looked it up. A hard drink is one with liquor in it. So, soft drinks were originally drinks without alcohol. These days, soft drinks are considered to be beverages with carbonated water, sweetener and flavoring. So, what about hard liquor? Is there a soft liquor? Yep. Hard liquor is like bourbon, rum or gin, and soft liquor is like wine and beer. They say that soft drinks are bad for us, but soft liquor (like red wine) may be good for us. Beverage selection is hard. Or soft. Maybe someday instead of Coke machines, we will change and have red wine vending machines.

And remember, change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Speaking of money, a friend said that if he had a dollar for every girl that found him unattractive, they would eventually find him very attractive.

I saw a really strange looking guy recently. He had sideburns behind his ears.

There was an ad for some drug on TV. In it, the spokesperson said if you’ve had a kidney transplant, tell your doctor. I would think that if your doctor didn’t know you had a kidney transplant, you need a new doctor. Then you could tell him or her.

When we were kids, we would invent secret codes we could use to communicate with each other so that our parents or teachers wouldn’t understand. Pretty soon, old folks will have a built-in secret code that we can use to communicate with each other that our grandchildren won’t be able to decipher. We will be able to share notes written in cursive.

Speaking again of old age, did you ever stop to think about something and forget to start again?

When we were kids, we’d lie on the ground, look at the clouds and find shapes that looked like cars or people or animals. It was fun. As an old person, I can now look at the bruises on my hands and find interesting shapes. I have one now that looks just like a sailfish. It’s not quite as much fun, but you can do it indoors.

A friend said he wasn’t afraid of heights but he was afraid of widths.

A Brazilian man in Boston was arrested for money laundering after cops found $20 million hidden in the box springs of his bed. I guess that for years people have hidden money under their mattresses, but this was extreme. The picture showed very neat stacks of cash, and $20 million only covered about half of the space in the box springs. He wasn’t really laundering his money, just sleeping on it.

Speaking of laundering, there was a strange sign in a laundromat that said: “Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”

IF I WERE KING: Protesters would have to pass a test to prove that they have some idea what they are protesting about.

Join the Conversation