How to Make a Snake Stick

By Anna Mitchael

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking the Black Friday sale at Wal-Mart would freeze over before you would need a snake stick. And maybe you’re right. But there’s also the outside chance that, like my dear friend the Northerner, who lives up in Sherman, one day you would be minding your own business on your sofa only to look up and notice a venomous reptile curled comfortably on your mantel.

The Northerner had what could be classified as a “normal” reaction, these days at least. She took a picture of the snake to share on social media. Then she called the most unflappable person she knew to get the heck over to her house and help.

But what if you don’t know any unflappable people? Or what if the most unflappable person you know has a chink in their armor, such as they wet the bed if a snake even shows up in a dream? Or what if, like me, you live in a place where snakes become a silent majority about this time every year? Then you need a snake stick, a tool that can lift and carry a snake away from your home or homestead while you remain at a safe distance.

Some people worry they would panic at first sight of a fang and would never actually use the snake stick. But that’s where making one yourself helps. With its simple hook and grip, the homemade snake stick says you can take matters into your own hands. It affirms, You got this.

First things first, you need a golf club. If no one in your house plays golf, head ye to Goodwill. If you play, find a club you don’t care about. If your partner or spouse plays, choose one he or she won’t miss. Unless he hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher this calendar year and also has been leaving the toilet seat up. In that case, go for the favorite putter.

Now find a hacksaw, preferably one that’s like a piranha — small, with lots of little teeth. Secure the golf club with your foot and place the hacksaw close to the head. You’ve heard people say “go to town”? It can mean she went crazy or she really went all out. In this case I recommend you go to town and back. Think frustrations! Think politics! Think people with horribly frustrating politics!

Once the club has transformed to a metal stick, it’s time to redesign the paint roller. Anchor the roller with your foot and work the saw right next to the handle. The moment the handle breaks off — and this is very important — you’ll want to scream like a banshee. Not only does this signal sawing success, it also confirms your neighbor’s suspicions that you are awesome.

We’re going for a hook shaped to fit an extraterrestrial pirate hand, so remove the cylindrical core. The more thorough among you will want to bevel what remains so the angle slopes down evenly. Those who are less thorough, or who don’t mind impaling snakes instead of picking them up, can leave the edge sharp and emergency room-level dangerous.

The last step requires J-B Weld. If you’ve never heard of J-B Weld, don’t worry, no one at the hardware store gives a darn who Tory Burch is, so you’re even. When you get this steel super glue, don’t delay. Apply it to the bottom ring of every toilet in your house and carefully lower the lids. Then squeeze some into the cut ends of the club and roller so you have a long stick with a hook at the end.

After 24 hours you will never sit in a toilet bowl again. And you will have a tool to lift and remove unwanted snakes (is there another kind?) from your property. When they see you with your snake stick, the neighbors might think you’re a crazy banshee. But at least you won’t be a crazy banshee who wets the bed.