The Armageddon Outfit

By Anna Mitchael

It’s Texas. Of course we’re armed … with fabulousness

I want something fabulous to wear. Not something that’s just pretty or cute. I want knock-down, drag-out, really freaking gorgeous, gonna knock you to your knees fabulous.

I don’t want to wait until I lose five pounds to pick it out.

I don’t want to wait until I have somewhere to wear it.

And I don’t want to buy it online.

I want to walk into a store, look around until my eyes missile-lock on the most beautiful piece of clothing I have seen in years, and then I want to walk up to that piece of clothing and touch it, super creepy-like, until I am absolutely sure that this is the piece I can’t live without. I’m not looking at the price tag first. I’m not doing any “how many toys can I buy with this money” math. I’m going to buy that something fabulous and bring it home, and that night when everyone’s like, “Um, why is Mom so happy?” I’m going to be like, “Well kids, Momma bought herself an Armageddon outfit today.”

I know what you’re thinking. Armageddon outfits are hazmat suits and gas masks, primarily accessorized with cases of freeze-dried pork ‘n’ beans. I am fully supportive of stocking the emergency bunker under your house — (You do have one of those, right? If not you might want to start digging.) — with enough safety gear to protect your family in case disaster strikes. But why not cast a wide net and think bigger, and by bigger I mean more fabulous. After all, the end of the world is only going to happen once.

We can stay where the media wants us: right in front of the TV. We can watch every day, all day long, and shake our heads in dismay as the situation in our world continues on the slippery slope from bad to worse. Or we can go outside and make our own reality. Right now is a chance to inject some life into the ol’ favorite phrase: carpe diem. Or as we like to say out in our neck of the woods: Carpe that sucker by the prairie oysters.

So many of us talk about this sentiment. It’s easy to pay it lip service during a birthday toast, at the end of an email, or when we sing along to a favorite song. Make the most of what you’ve got. Love the one you’re with. Dance like no one is watching. Put an extra slice of cheese on it, please. But now’s the time to actually get out there, possibly while wearing gold sequins.

I don’t believe a great outfit solves everything. I just think it makes you feel like you can do anything. You can get your hands dirty. You can show kindness to complete strangers. You can laugh loudly and often and for no obvious reason at all. The feeling that you can do anything is the ultimate fear eraser.

Once purchased, I have pledged that I will wear my Armageddon outfit at least once a week for the next calendar year. At which point if Armageddon has not already occurred, then I’m going to go out and buy myself another one.

The worst-case scenario is that eventually the world ends. But on the bright side, I could live long enough to lose my teeth and start wearing diapers again. And a closet full of fabulous clothes would really soften those blows.

There’s also a good chance I end up as the first woman ever to walk through the world with prairie oysters stuffed in the pockets of gold sequin pants. And that would make quite a story. I’d tuck it away to tell over freeze-dried s’mores, next to a campfire made out of construction paper, on the dirt floor of the emergency bunker.

Anna Mitchael blogs at thirtysexysomething.com.

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