Random Thoughts while Driving in Waco

By Jack Smith

Did you see

The story about the twins that were born November 6 in Massachusetts? The first twin was born at 1:39 a.m. The second twin was born 31 minutes later. The really odd thing is that the clocks were turned back for daylight saving time at 2:00 a.m. So the second twin’s time of birth was 1:10 a.m., meaning that the second twin was officially the older one. Very unusual, but does it matter? Probably not. The “younger” twin will probably still get the “firstborn” attributes. I have twin grandsons in Austin, and they have an older brother. Their mother swears that the firstborn twin has all the attributes of a “middle child.” Who knows?

I saw where a lady was asked in a grocery store whether she wanted paper or plastic. She said, “It doesn’t matter, I’m bi-sacksual.”

There is a lot of discussion these days about hyphenated Americans. What if we changed the order from African-American, Hispanic-American or Asian-American to American-African, American-Hispanic or American-Asian? Would that put our priorities in better order?

Did you notice that last year Black Friday turned into Black November and then, in some cases, Black December? This must be confusing to kids learning math when a Friday turns into 60 days. Kind of like March Madness in April. It could be the new math that I hear about.

Another terrible sign that I’m getting too old: Grocery store clerks have begun to ask me if I need help taking my groceries to the car. Fortunately, I can still push a grocery cart and unload the sacks into my car. I guess that it’s nice for them to ask, but it’s also an irritant. I don’t look decrepit, do I? OK, don’t answer.

I really shouldn’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last.

Speaking of old, what do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I was reading about someone, and it said he was a desk jockey. I’m pretty much a desk jockey in conjunction with a recliner jockey. I was thinking, what if I were an office manager for a group of disc jockeys? I would keep up with their appointments and make sure the customers were served or serenaded or rapped at or whatever. Would that make me a disc jockey desk jockey?

I also read where one person told another to “go pound sand.” I wondered where that phrase came from. Well, there are several options. Everyone agrees that it is a statement of contempt like “get lost” or “go play in the traffic.” Pounding sand would be a most menial task like hitting sand with a shovel on the beach. There are also cruder versions, but those people can go pound sand.

Do you think that Velcro is a rip-off?

Some people like scrapbooking. Others like antiquing. Gerunds seem to be infiltrating and turning our nouns to the dark side. Do you think we have too much gerunding?

I read that eagles are being trained to take down drones. I don’t know why. Seems like a shotgun would be faster and easier. Wouldn’t the eagles’ talons get caught in the propellers? Would their feathers get ruffled? Would their beaks break? Can I stop droning on about this?

A young lady was bemoaning her lot in life. She said that at one time she had been a mail-order bridesmaid.

IF I WERE KING: In 2017 people would chill out, forget about politics and elections and concentrate on more important things like friends, family and winning the lottery.

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