Random Thoughts

By Jack Smith

while Driving in Waco

Another day another study. An Australian study said there are mental health issues associated with meatless diets. I always thought that vegetarians were a little strange. One of my daughters moved to the dark (greens) side and is a vegetarian. All families have their skeletons. Skeletons don’t have meat on them. One alleged symptom of a meatless diet is depression. If I couldn’t have a hamburger or a chicken-fried steak, I would be severely depressed. So don’t worry. Be happy. Eat more meat.

Did you notice last Thanksgiving that Black Friday now lasts a month? If it helps sales, I guess we will eventually have a Black Fourth Quarter.

Speaking of the fourth quarter, the football game way back in 1974 when Baylor upset Texas, has since then been known as the Miracle on the Brazos. But this year’s upset by a seriously overmatched Texas team was the true Miracle on the Brazos. The 1974 game was the Miracle on Valley Mills.

There was a story about a single guy in his 40s who was destined to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died. He decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share this fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He approached her and said, “I may look like just an ordinary guy, but in a short time my father will die, and I will inherit $200 million.” Impressed, the woman asked for his business card. He was very surprised when, three weeks later, she became his stepmother. Women are just better at financial planning than men.

I heard a news reporter recently say that something went “utterly viral.” In the bad ol’ days, the word viral meant “related to a virus.” Viruses, of course, can spread rapidly from person to person. The most common use of the phrase “goes viral” means that something spreads rapidly on the internet, as if it were seen by almost everyone in the world except for the 96 percent of people who aren’t surfing the net. (Is the term “surfing” now obsolete? If so, what replaced it? Hoverboarding?) Anyway, can you go utterly viral? Are some things more viral than other viral things? Maybe it’s like athletes who give 110 percent.

Speaking of TV, I always enjoyed Phyllis Diller, one of the first female stand-up comics. She died about three years ago. I was reading an article about her which included some of her best quotes. She said the reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. She said she wanted her children to have all the things she couldn’t afford … and then she wanted to move in with them. She said you know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. And, in one joke I can identify with, she said her photographs didn’t do her justice — they looked just like her. I think I first saw Phyllis Diller on the “The Jack Parr Tonight Show.” (Ask your grandparents.)

When it came to telling her age, Phyllis was shy. About 10 years shy.

I heard about a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid. But he says he can stop at any time.

A lady was trimming her landscape with a WeedEater when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat. She picked up the cat and rushed to Walmart. She was asked, “Why Walmart?” She said, “Well, duh. They are the largest retailer in the world.”

IF I WERE KING: Common sense and humility would go viral for presidential candidates.

Join the Conversation